trouble in paradise

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Giving in. How much are you supposed to give in without loosing yourself? Technically it’s not ok to be stubborn and always demand your way, but then again, it’s not right to just give in all the time. The problem is, if you don’t give all you can, you will be blamed for not giving it your best shot, and that is definitely not ok if you care really about something.

If you really care about something, you would give it your all.

First thing to give up is your logic. Meaning, even if you think you are right, just admit you are wrong and forget about it, because in reality, logic is very relative, compared to albert einstein and steven hawkins, your logical is a pile of bullshit, but then again, their logic, compared to a 6 years old is probably a pile of bullshit too. Oh well, thats the “relativity” part. Then next to go, and the hardest to let go of, is your your pride and your dignity. It’s not always mentally sound to put yourself in the back seat of the ride of YOUR life, but if you care about something enough you’d learn to flush pride and dignity down the ego toilet. Then, lastly, if all else fails, you can even give up your dreams and desires. See, now this aint that hard to give up, cus now that you aint got no pride and dignity, it doesnt even matter what you dreamed and desired.
Yea, so thats what you do when you care about something and you are forced to give in. You give in. Then you can be at peace knowning that you did EVERYTHING you possibly could, and if it still doesnt work out, then its not your fault, its just hopeless. But if you DON’T give up everything, you’re gonna wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “fuck, I cared so much about it, but I didnt give everything I possibly could to save it.” But then again, you give in, all the way, then you wake up one day and you say to yourself “fuck, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to have dreams, fantasies, ambitions, shit I cared about, now I have nothing.”
I typed in “life” in google, and thats the picture I got. Go figure.

Tired

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So i typed “tired” into google and thats what I get. I am fucking tired as hell, havent slept a normal 8 hour night in a long time. I thought after college, sleeping would become a normal routine, but I guess not. I am so tired, my pupils are dilated, and I can’t barely see anything right now, not even what I am typing.
Life gets better and better. I spend alot of time with my girlfriend outside of work, so much time that I think i am ignoring other parts of my life. Oh wellz, I am happy doing it, so ill just selfishly continue doing it. :P When I am done being selfish, then I will go back to saving the world. Windsor is a cool dog, except they shaved him. Now he looks stupid. But he’s still cool because he sits here and watches me use the computer. Awesome. Night

Self Improvement

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Thats a picture of us at point reyes. I think. Its a nice picture, but for some reason it reminds me of a T.V. commercial. After talking with Uyen about how to become a better person/boyfriend, she has, so far, pointed out three things I needed to change/improve about myself. Funny, that all of these things are just recurring themes of my life. But anywho, here they are:

1) Stop being so insecure about the relationship
2) Stop being so critical and judgemental
3) Stop thinking of the “hypothetical” situations

You are welcome to add more if you feel that this list does not adequately describes my personality flaws.

I am neurotic

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Uyen told me I am neutoric, and its true. Here are all the neurotic characteristics that I have. (the picture is a result of the google image saerch “neurotic”, i am not sure how this picture relates to neurotic personality, but it is an awe inspiring painting) i don’t like the idea that I am neurotic, but these characteristics describes me so well. :x :

1. need for power, for control over others, for a facade of omnipotence.
2. a strong belief in one’s own rational powers.
3. The neurotic need for a partner, for someone who will take over one’s life.
4. the idea that love will solve all of one’s problems.
5. need for social recognition or prestige.
6. overwhelmingly concerned with appearances and popularity
7. fear being ignored, be thought plain, “uncool,” or “out of it.
8. devaluing anything they cannot be number one in
9. fear of being thought nobodies, unimportant and meaningless
10. attempts to make that person love them creates a clinginess and neediness that much more often than not results in the other person leaving the relationship

sorry baby

Ok, I owe my lady an apology for the last post. :lol: She always makes me feel stupid for being mad. 8)

“it’s good to dream, but don’t take any shortcuts.” some of the most inspiring words i’ve heard in a long time. and guess what? it’s from a wierd HK movie on the AZN channel. The only reason I watch that channel is because I want to support asians in the media. :). Anyways I like the quote because I am a dreamer. Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you about all my wild fantasies. I think I just realized maybe my dreams always fall apart is due to the fact that I always try to take shortcuts. Maybe next time I’ll work hard at it and will succeed huh. :wink:

Annoying

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My girlfriend is annoying. Ok, if you are Uyen, then “Uyen you are annoying.” I can proclaim this here guilt free becuase she knows I still love her, and this is my website, so you can’t do jack about it. But honestly, it’s 9:11 AM and her lazy ass is still sleeping. I am a 1am-6am, 7am at most, anything beyond that is just pure indolent. She tells me that I should keep my opinions to myself because unlike me, her body requires an extend amount of rest in order for her to function normally. OK maybe she’s right, maybe I shouldn’t be be forcing her to live the way I do, I guess in SOME countries it’s not right, and I guess America is one of them. But freaken SH$#$T its annoying!!!
You know, this is not just a one rare instances of disagreement, we actually (suprisingly, nOT!) disagree on alot of things. For example, she is very anti-social. I am always so eager to meet new people and hang out with friends, or even strangers if the opportunity is presented to me. However, for Uyen, she only likes to hang out in small groups with people she knows. She rather sit home and watch TV than go hang out at the bar. She doesn’t really care too much for putting herself out there o get to know people and to be social. DAMN its annoying. We spent like 30 minutes to an hour yesterday arguing about this. I was so upset because she refused to try and be more sociable. I cannot imagine how life would be like together if she sits on her ass at home watching TV, while I am out and about making friends.
Ok, in all seriousness, there is technically nothing “wrong” with her being the way she is. “different strokes for different folks” i guess. But damnit, does that mean that we’re not going to make it as a couple? I honestly find some of the things she does extremely annoying, and I am sure she can say the same for me. How can two different people stay together if they disagree so much?? Should they change each other, so that can be more alike, or should they stick to being who they are. People are always saying that you should be yourself, well sometimes “yourself” aint that great, sometimes “yourself” is a jackass, and maybe you should work harder at being somebody else.
I am extremely guilty of always being “myself”. I think 90******* I am either sleeping, or just dont give a shit about the topic at hand. I know for a fact that being like this is not the way to approach life, so what should I do?? Should I change the way I think and be someone else, or should I just be a “yourself” and be the jackass that I was born to be??
Damnit, my girlfriend annoys me. :x

whats going on??

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So last weekend I went to chaperone a camping trip at sly park. My cabin had 14 middle school kids, most were 6th grades except for 4 7th graders. The 7th graders were from oakland, they were good kids, ok only ONE of them was a good kid, and the other three were a pain in the ass. They had no respect for authority, actually I dont think they even know what respect is. The camp counselor said that they were the worst group of kids he has ever seen, and he’s been a camp counselor for 25 years.I think I did a pretty decent job keeping them under control. For the most part I had their respect and they listened to me as much as was possible.
After getting home from camping me and Uyen got into our first real fight. Which explains the jovial nature of my last post. So yea, we fought because she ate TWO FREAKING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES. Man, hella pissed me off. Anyways, as you can see, it was a pretty ridiculous argument, but some how it escaladed and we ended up hurting each other’s feelings. But we did our makeup and things are good again.
Went out to dinner with chris and mike on tuesday. We talked about stuff, and about working life. They made me feel regretfull about my decision to study ecology, now I kind of want to join the corporate world and start making some REAL money. Needless to say, I came to my senses and decided I rather stick to doing what I love.
No time to write everything. Will come back to it some other day.

blurred

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I wasn’t supposed to ever feel this way again. I wasn’t supposed to ever be back here again. Have you ever opened your eyes, but the only things you see is the pounding of your chest? Time for beer? No, not today, I dont even think the fury of alcohol can quench this burning. Now I think about it, alcohol is more for sustaining good times than it is for incinerating bad ones. I am not supposed to be here right now. No, not ever again. No. Not today, not tommorow, never. Never.

More brain juice

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I think its time I seriously look into going to grad school. I want to at least get a master’s if not a PhD. I just finished looking at the ucdavis school of ecology, and it looks like they are number one! Dang, me getting into UC Davis ecology group is like me trying to get into Berkeley when I was in high school, or getting into UCSF if I wanted to be a med student. Although its an impossible dream, I won’t put it aside just yet. I have a lot of great experience and my communication skills are better than average so I want to give this a shot before I completely give up. Some of my other realistic options include Sonoma State or UC Santa Cruz. I haven’t looked into other schools, but I am sure there will be more, and I will be looking at those options as well.
I think its sad that in the ecology field in general, there is a very low representation of minority students. There are a couple of asians, hardly any latinos, and no blacks. I think its something that goes way back to a person’s education starting as a child. I have noticed in my ecology classes, that all the white kids know ALOT more about plants, animals, and everything about the environment more than any races. Minority students like myself cannot keep up with the knowledge those white kids have about ecology because we simply do not get the same amount of exposure they get from their everyday life. For example, I can’t remember ONE time when I talked to my asian friends about any topic relating to environmental conversation, heck, I can’t even remember anytime when we talked about recycling cans and paper. But everytime I bring up any topic regarding plants, animals, or the environment in general with my white friends, they seems to have a myriad of information. Most of the time, they make me feel stupid because I don’t know shit.
I am not saying that white people are being racist or anything. I am just saying that as minorities we are not exposed to environmental issues as much as white people. In conclusion, I hope that in the future, with a higher education in ecology, I can help bring the topic of ecology into the lives of asians and other minorities around the world. Blah, I am making this short because I am hungry and gotta go eat. Bye.

over the rainbow

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Damnit, I’ve been neglecting my blog. No time to write in it anymore. Uyen you are taking all my time! Haha. ok ok, I admit, I enjoy it :).
Falling/being in love is a wierd state of being. In one hand you try to be the most affection and loving mate that you can be, but then you also have to remember that you have friends/work/obligations outside of that, that you cannot forget. People call it juggling, but its not juggling to be. Juggling means at some point you are letting one thing float in the air while you are handling something else, but in this case, I dont want anything to float on the air. Everything in my life is precious to me, so I do not dare risk letting it float around. So no, its not juggling, its more like walking a tight rope, you have to focus, or else you’ll loose your balance and end up on the floor.