did someone break a mirror?


It’s not easy watching the toughest person you know lay helplessly on a hospital bed. It’s even harder to think that if it werent for some plastic tubing, they’d be nine feet under. :? I googled “stroke” and that’s the picture I got.

I been to the hospital three times already in the last 12 months. I don’t like hospitals. Good thing I am not a doctor. Although those young doctors, and nurses are pretty hot. I’d look great in a doctor’s coat.
When my dad gets better he’s going to nag me about why I did not become a doctor. This time around, I really don’t have a good counter argument. :x

Maybe I need to go to church more often. If I get the job I want tommorow, and the pay is decent, maybe work wont start until 8 or 9, so I have time to go to church at 7:30. Going to church in the morning is surreal. Old people, come every morning, to beg for the Lord’s mercy.

23 years and counting…


23 years into my life and still I am still penniless. For my job I have to drive around a lot to these remote locations, so on the way I see a lot of land…after land… after land.. just open grass areas or farm land.. so I been reading this book “collapsed” and it makes me think about how I don’t really have anything. Then I thought, what if I had a patch of land, then I can cut down some trees, build me a house, cultivate the land to grow vegetables and such, then I can own some animals. Maybe not cows, because apparently cows are exhaust the resource like crazy because of their grazing. Maybe chicken, I love chicken anyways. :lol:

I can’t imagine why anyone would give up a comfortable life as an educated member of society to go live on a farmland working their ass off, but then again, I would be totally self-sufficient. Well actually, maybe I will be self-sufficient. I will still need water and what not to water my plant, if I dont live next to a lake or something. Hrmmph..

Anyways, I came to realize that working hard does not always mean you’ll reap the reward. Some of the hardest working people I know live at the bottom rung of society. Being affluent has alot more to do with 1) Luck 2) How smart you are. If you are mart you can find ways to accumulate wealth and escape all the curve balls life throw at you, and to exploit all he opportunies presented to you. But none of that even matter if you are not lucky. If you are lucky, you dont need to worry about shit. But then again someone once said, “Luck is an opportunity for those who are well prepared” Being prepared mean working hard… but then again just cus you work hard doesnt mean the “opportunity” will present itself, so in the end you wont have any luck.

I guess this is where religion comes in. Ok, nevermind religion, what I am actually talking about is FAITH. I can’t imagine how you could live life devoid of faith, because in the absence of faith, life is just a random onslaugh of coincidental events that has no real meaning. Once again, that is just another way to say “luck”. Without faith, you live your entire life waiting to get “lucky”. If you have faith, in a God, or heck, maybe you have faith in the stale piece of cheetos staring at me on my desk, whatever it is, faith makes you believe that eventually you will come to a place of infinitely happines, where “randomness” and chance no longer takes effect, but that in this place, only happiness will prevail. I call it heaven, some people call it a cheesecake flavored ice cream with raspberry mix-in you can get at Cold-Stone. Whatever we think heaven is, it basically is a place where you wont have to worry about what will happen, and you wont have to wait for luck to strike. In this place, you are constantly lucky, and happiness is abound.

Not meaning to sound like a dork, but a lot of times I feel like I am in heaven already. I have a loving family, a beautiful girlfriend, and great friends. I am well educated, healthy, and a GREAT head of hair. Those things keeps me happy, most the time, if not all the time, and that’s my heaven. But then, I go to wellsfargo.com to look at my bank account and realize I only have like $100 bucks to pay my $20,000 debt, it makes me want to cry. Then on Monday morning I have to get my ass up at 6am to go slave myself doing someone elses work, it makes me even more sad. I guess in my life, there are still a couple of things I need to take care of before I am truly in heaven….

Speaking of which, back to the top, if I had a farm, my own house, my own land, my own chickens, and my own vegetable garden, shit… i’d be pretty happy… no bills.. no working for people doing things THEY want me to do… no wories about a crashing economy that could eventually leave me jobless and begging on the streets… nice.. ok.. so where do I start?? where how do I get to own a farm?? oh right… I have to work…

Ok then.. see you all in hell.. (now thats another topic)

trouble in paradise


Giving in. How much are you supposed to give in without loosing yourself? Technically it’s not ok to be stubborn and always demand your way, but then again, it’s not right to just give in all the time. The problem is, if you don’t give all you can, you will be blamed for not giving it your best shot, and that is definitely not ok if you care really about something.

If you really care about something, you would give it your all.

First thing to give up is your logic. Meaning, even if you think you are right, just admit you are wrong and forget about it, because in reality, logic is very relative, compared to albert einstein and steven hawkins, your logical is a pile of bullshit, but then again, their logic, compared to a 6 years old is probably a pile of bullshit too. Oh well, thats the “relativity” part. Then next to go, and the hardest to let go of, is your your pride and your dignity. It’s not always mentally sound to put yourself in the back seat of the ride of YOUR life, but if you care about something enough you’d learn to flush pride and dignity down the ego toilet. Then, lastly, if all else fails, you can even give up your dreams and desires. See, now this aint that hard to give up, cus now that you aint got no pride and dignity, it doesnt even matter what you dreamed and desired.
Yea, so thats what you do when you care about something and you are forced to give in. You give in. Then you can be at peace knowning that you did EVERYTHING you possibly could, and if it still doesnt work out, then its not your fault, its just hopeless. But if you DON’T give up everything, you’re gonna wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “fuck, I cared so much about it, but I didnt give everything I possibly could to save it.” But then again, you give in, all the way, then you wake up one day and you say to yourself “fuck, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I used to have dreams, fantasies, ambitions, shit I cared about, now I have nothing.”
I typed in “life” in google, and thats the picture I got. Go figure.



So i typed “tired” into google and thats what I get. I am fucking tired as hell, havent slept a normal 8 hour night in a long time. I thought after college, sleeping would become a normal routine, but I guess not. I am so tired, my pupils are dilated, and I can’t barely see anything right now, not even what I am typing.
Life gets better and better. I spend alot of time with my girlfriend outside of work, so much time that I think i am ignoring other parts of my life. Oh wellz, I am happy doing it, so ill just selfishly continue doing it. :P When I am done being selfish, then I will go back to saving the world. Windsor is a cool dog, except they shaved him. Now he looks stupid. But he’s still cool because he sits here and watches me use the computer. Awesome. Night

Self Improvement


Thats a picture of us at point reyes. I think. Its a nice picture, but for some reason it reminds me of a T.V. commercial. After talking with Uyen about how to become a better person/boyfriend, she has, so far, pointed out three things I needed to change/improve about myself. Funny, that all of these things are just recurring themes of my life. But anywho, here they are:

1) Stop being so insecure about the relationship
2) Stop being so critical and judgemental
3) Stop thinking of the “hypothetical” situations

You are welcome to add more if you feel that this list does not adequately describes my personality flaws.

I am neurotic


Uyen told me I am neutoric, and its true. Here are all the neurotic characteristics that I have. (the picture is a result of the google image saerch “neurotic”, i am not sure how this picture relates to neurotic personality, but it is an awe inspiring painting) i don’t like the idea that I am neurotic, but these characteristics describes me so well. :x :

1. need for power, for control over others, for a facade of omnipotence.
2. a strong belief in one’s own rational powers.
3. The neurotic need for a partner, for someone who will take over one’s life.
4. the idea that love will solve all of one’s problems.
5. need for social recognition or prestige.
6. overwhelmingly concerned with appearances and popularity
7. fear being ignored, be thought plain, “uncool,” or “out of it.
8. devaluing anything they cannot be number one in
9. fear of being thought nobodies, unimportant and meaningless
10. attempts to make that person love them creates a clinginess and neediness that much more often than not results in the other person leaving the relationship

sorry baby

Ok, I owe my lady an apology for the last post. :lol: She always makes me feel stupid for being mad. 8)

“it’s good to dream, but don’t take any shortcuts.” some of the most inspiring words i’ve heard in a long time. and guess what? it’s from a wierd HK movie on the AZN channel. The only reason I watch that channel is because I want to support asians in the media. :). Anyways I like the quote because I am a dreamer. Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you about all my wild fantasies. I think I just realized maybe my dreams always fall apart is due to the fact that I always try to take shortcuts. Maybe next time I’ll work hard at it and will succeed huh. :wink:



My girlfriend is annoying. Ok, if you are Uyen, then “Uyen you are annoying.” I can proclaim this here guilt free becuase she knows I still love her, and this is my website, so you can’t do jack about it. But honestly, it’s 9:11 AM and her lazy ass is still sleeping. I am a 1am-6am, 7am at most, anything beyond that is just pure indolent. She tells me that I should keep my opinions to myself because unlike me, her body requires an extend amount of rest in order for her to function normally. OK maybe she’s right, maybe I shouldn’t be be forcing her to live the way I do, I guess in SOME countries it’s not right, and I guess America is one of them. But freaken SH$#$T its annoying!!!
You know, this is not just a one rare instances of disagreement, we actually (suprisingly, nOT!) disagree on alot of things. For example, she is very anti-social. I am always so eager to meet new people and hang out with friends, or even strangers if the opportunity is presented to me. However, for Uyen, she only likes to hang out in small groups with people she knows. She rather sit home and watch TV than go hang out at the bar. She doesn’t really care too much for putting herself out there o get to know people and to be social. DAMN its annoying. We spent like 30 minutes to an hour yesterday arguing about this. I was so upset because she refused to try and be more sociable. I cannot imagine how life would be like together if she sits on her ass at home watching TV, while I am out and about making friends.
Ok, in all seriousness, there is technically nothing “wrong” with her being the way she is. “different strokes for different folks” i guess. But damnit, does that mean that we’re not going to make it as a couple? I honestly find some of the things she does extremely annoying, and I am sure she can say the same for me. How can two different people stay together if they disagree so much?? Should they change each other, so that can be more alike, or should they stick to being who they are. People are always saying that you should be yourself, well sometimes “yourself” aint that great, sometimes “yourself” is a jackass, and maybe you should work harder at being somebody else.
I am extremely guilty of always being “myself”. I think 90******* I am either sleeping, or just dont give a shit about the topic at hand. I know for a fact that being like this is not the way to approach life, so what should I do?? Should I change the way I think and be someone else, or should I just be a “yourself” and be the jackass that I was born to be??
Damnit, my girlfriend annoys me. :x

whats going on??


So last weekend I went to chaperone a camping trip at sly park. My cabin had 14 middle school kids, most were 6th grades except for 4 7th graders. The 7th graders were from oakland, they were good kids, ok only ONE of them was a good kid, and the other three were a pain in the ass. They had no respect for authority, actually I dont think they even know what respect is. The camp counselor said that they were the worst group of kids he has ever seen, and he’s been a camp counselor for 25 years.I think I did a pretty decent job keeping them under control. For the most part I had their respect and they listened to me as much as was possible.
After getting home from camping me and Uyen got into our first real fight. Which explains the jovial nature of my last post. So yea, we fought because she ate TWO FREAKING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES. Man, hella pissed me off. Anyways, as you can see, it was a pretty ridiculous argument, but some how it escaladed and we ended up hurting each other’s feelings. But we did our makeup and things are good again.
Went out to dinner with chris and mike on tuesday. We talked about stuff, and about working life. They made me feel regretfull about my decision to study ecology, now I kind of want to join the corporate world and start making some REAL money. Needless to say, I came to my senses and decided I rather stick to doing what I love.
No time to write everything. Will come back to it some other day.



I wasn’t supposed to ever feel this way again. I wasn’t supposed to ever be back here again. Have you ever opened your eyes, but the only things you see is the pounding of your chest? Time for beer? No, not today, I dont even think the fury of alcohol can quench this burning. Now I think about it, alcohol is more for sustaining good times than it is for incinerating bad ones. I am not supposed to be here right now. No, not ever again. No. Not today, not tommorow, never. Never.