My Solution to the Homeless Problem (sorta)

Move over Gavin Newsome. Suck it Mayor Bloomberg. I have solved the homeless problem.

No this is not some fancy scheme that involves communes and co-ops or other hippy ideas, and no, we are not going to call in the Orkin man and have them exterminated as much as Vinhboy would advocate for that. In fact, this only addresses MY problem with the homeless, and not a wide scale solution by any means. I hope this idea spreads, and if it does it might actually make an impact. So here it is..

I would say on average I come across 1.33 homeless persons a day in San Francisco. I would say 1 out of every 5 times I would give them something. I have given leftovers after leaving a restaurant (which I most of the time regret because I love eating leftovers from restaurants). I have bought a fast food meal and brought it back to the person which was frankly more leg work and money than I expected it to be. i have had my fries rejected by people, and the worse was when I gave this guy all the change in my pocket and he threw it back at me while I was walkign away. It turned out to be only about 19 cents because most of it was nickels and pennies. I think he became angry because he wasted his time counting out what I gave him. The times I don’t do anything I feel guilty about relatively how much I have and why I did not spare anything.

There are two responses to this guilt pang:

  1. “They’re only going to use that money for crack (which is probably true).
  2. Yes, they will use that money for crack but their life is so crappy why couldn’t you help them obtain momentary bliss by helping them buy some crack?

Either way give or not give you are not really helping them out and all the smart types(intellectual assholes) will tell you that you are actually harming them by giving them change, or your conscience will annoy you. The ultimate solution is fruit. I now give fruit to people who ask for change. This is my rationale:

  1. It’s healthy nutritious food and you are actually nourishing the recipient (fast food is almost as bad for their health as giving them a few cents for crack..although they probably could use the calories..)
  2. It’s cheaper than crack/fast food. You can buy a single serving of fruit for uner a dollar.
  3. Most fruit is portable.
  4. There’s only one fruit to count.
  5. If they don’t want it you can be 1000% sure that they are a crack head.No asshole is going to tell you, “You really shouldn’t have given that guy fruit”

So now I keep a fruit handy just in case. Today while walking to the metro after work, a crack head came up to me and asked for change “to get something to eat”. Most crack heads are really polite when they ask. If only all society could be as nice as crackheads asking for change.. Anywhoo..I whipped out the apple I had in my pocket and offered it to him. He said he did not eat apples.. little comedic pause followed after he said that because he now knew I Aknew he was lying. I asked if he could give it to someone who might want it. He said sure, and I was happily on my way after meeting my new friend, Johnny AppleCrackee.

So join my quest folks..Open your heart..spare a pear..Give a grape..Bring a banana..make fruit the new crack.

~p

  • Steven

    The article was great although it didn’t help me finish my term paper on the homeless it made me laugh a bit. It was good stuff i enjoy reading funny articles about anything but specificly on common everyday things like the homeless on the bus. I kind of stubled on your website so far this is the first article i have read and i dont spend much time online since i’m busy most of the time but i would come back to your site and read more of these articles.